Under Siege

Over the last week or so I have felt myself under siege - from sources that, in retrospect, I shouldn't have given a second thought. But it got to me, I let it. It slipped in under my skin and lodged itself there in a most uncomfortable fashion.

In this unnecessary state of anxiety I went downtown to run some errands. In the first store I went into my query was answered in a short, snappy fashion by the shop assistant and I completely took it on board. I tried to stop myself - I walked out of the store telling myself over and over "It's not about you. Not everything is about you. She's obviously having a bad day. Anything could have happened. You just walked in at the wrong moment." It didn't help. I was already under siege, and the shop assistant's curt response added more weight to the world that was on my shoulders.

Crushed, I sulked up the street and into the next store. I was so caught up in my woeful thoughts that I almost missed the brilliant smile and the cheery "Have a nice day!" from the checkout girl in the supermarket. I almost completely ignored her, which would have left her feeling like crap too. Almost. Just in time I caught myself. I stopped, looked at her, smiled, and gave her a genuinely grateful "Thank you."

Genuinely grateful because she reminded me of something I knew - but forgot. There's a balance at work in the world. For every up there's a down. For every high there's a low. Most importantly, for every demon, there's an angel. When we feel ourselves under attack from somebody or somebodies being thoughtless, unkind - even cruel - we need to look around. Somewhere there's an angel. And while it's human nature to hear and pay attention to the mean and nasty stuff, with a slight shift of focus we can see how much love and kindness and support comes our way to balance it out.

Sweet Dreams

Does this happen to anyone else?

This is kind of hard to admit - but I recently I've been contemplating quitting acting. For good. Long story, a whole other blog...

Every time I start thinking like this, I have the same dream. I had it last night. I'm sitting in the back row of an empty theatre auditorium, looking towards the stage. Cate Blanchett is sitting beside me. She's holding my hand, and she's talking to me about acting. Last night she was talking about my voice. I could barely speak, but finally I forced out the words "May - I - audition - for - you?" I guess I meant Sydney Theatre Company. It was so hard to ask, but as soon as I did, she began making suggestions to help me out.

Today I find the midday movie is Veronica Guerin, and there's Cate, and the soundtrack featuring the same haunting Sinead O'Connor sounds we had in 'Blood Brothers', reminding me how GOOD it feels to be onstage.

Always happens.